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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  January 30, 2016 12:37am-1:37am EST

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stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- danny devito, comedian whitney cummings, music from the front bottoms, featuring the 8g band with josh freese. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight?
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let's get to the news. jeb bush misspoke during a campaign event yesterday and mistakenly called president obama's daughter malala instead of malia. [ light laughter ] and then when he tried to say sasha's name, it came out, "i don't want to run for president anymore. [ laughter ] it's harder than i thought it would be and i don't like it." senator lindsey graham said this week that donald trump is the most unelectable republican he's seen in his lifetime. then he walked by a mirror and said, "whoops, never mind! [ laughter ] i forgot about that fellow named me." former alaska governor sarah palin yesterday endorsed republican frontrunner donald trump. let's take a look. she's clearly enjoying herself, but look at trump. he is not having a good time. [ laughter ] that's a face you make when your how you used to wet the bed. [ laughter ] a recent study found that people who use aol e-mail give the most
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because, you know, you can't take it with you. [ laughter and applause ] might as well. according to a new report, by 2050, the world's oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. so the next time you get dumped, remember, there's plenty of [ light laughter ] [ yelling ] [ laughter ] we usually don't lose an audience member to a heart attack this early in the show. [ laughter ] a florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading it for crack. [ light laughter ] on the plus side, we finally have the answer to the question, "how much is that doggie in the window?" [ laughter ] a little bummed out. fast food chain white castle announced this week that they will be offering dinner reservations for valentine's day.
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person you love that you don't. [ laughter ] that's right, white castle for valentine's day, because there's mathematicians have discovered a new 22 million digit prime number. though after trying it a few times, the mathematicians are beginning to suspect that the woman gave them a fake number. [ light laughter ] so surprised our prime number joke didn't kill. [ laughter ] such a juicy comedy premise. you know, when you're a comedy writer and you're reading the news, you're like, "oh, a new prime number? jokes gonna come." [ light laughter ] and firefighters in italy recently helped a woman break out of her chastity belt after she locked it and lost the keys. that's nice. it's always so heartwarming when you hear those stories about firefighters rescuing a kitty. [ audience oohs ] oh, what? it's fine. we're all going to be okay. you guys. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show for you
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he is one of the funniest people on earth. he's one of the stars of the 11th season of "it's always sunny in philadelphia" on fxx. danny devito is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] how about that? a legend. also, she's a fantastic comedian. she has a new comedy special "i'm your girlfriend" on hbo. our friend, whitney cummings is back on "late night" tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from a great new jersey band, the front bottoms. and this is very cool. [ cheers and applause ] they used a fan-voted twitter poll to log more than 12,000 votes in 24 hours for the song they'll play later in tonight's show. so i'm looking forward to that. we're gonna have a great show for you guys tonight. you're here on an excellent evening. [ cheers and applause ] now, i know it's wednesday. i know this happened a few days ago, but i'm finally in a place where i can talk about it. the nfl playoffs are going on right now. i'm a pittsburgh steelers fan. they lost last weekend, and it
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that is a bummer for me. and i watched it alone in my apartment with my wife, and she could care less about football and sports in general, and she was very sweet, though, she started watching the game on the couch with me to support. but then she got bored and started watching a documentary on her ipad on the couch. and it was the documentary "amy," which is a wonderful film but it's a very -- it's a tragic story about amy winehouse. and it's really mean to watch a sad documentary when the other person in the room is watching a football game, because it completely takes away my ability to get upset about what's happening on my thing. [ light laughter ] like she has her headphones in and i'm screaming, "no, no!" and she's like, "what happened?" and i said, "he fumbled." and then she asks, "but everybody's okay, right? [ laughter ] like nobody died?" i said, "no, everybody's fine." she's like, "okay, i'm going to go back to my super tragic real life thing." [ laughter ]
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and the two of them are in the kitchen, and they're having a them care about what's going on. so they're happy because their happiness is tied to a human interaction that they have control over, whereas i've tied completely beyond my control and i'm irrationally passionate about. so, game ends, steelers lose, i turn off the tv, and then immediately walk into the kitchen into their conversation and i just walk in and alexi's brother, my brother-in-law, tolya, who's lovely, said, "did they win, buddy?" instead of saying, "no," i do this. i turn and i snap, "am i acting like they won? [ laughter ] does this look like somebody who is celebrating a big victory? [ laughter ] what kind of social cues are taking from me?" [ applause ] and this is the kind of thing my wife and her family have to put up with me all the time. i'm such an ass [ bleep ] that a bad thing happened to me and then i immediately walked into
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exciting, and -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ] and i started thinking, you know, am i going to do this to my kid? am i going to make them care about sports the way my dad made me care about sports? is this going to be a thing that i put in their life, and they'll have to always know that on any given week they'll be upset or happy based on something completely impractical? [ light laughter ] then almost immediately i started thinking, "oh, i should buy a steelers onesie. so that the first day the baby will be in it." [ laughter ] also the other thing i do, which is the worst -- because i think like a lot of football fans, i'm a complete hypocrite, which is the minute my team gets
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issue. and the owners in sports are billionaires who use public money to build their stadiums, so i don't know how anybody can follow it. enjoy everybody whose teams are still in it." [ light laughter ] so anyway, thank you to my wife and thank you to her family for putting up with me. i'm an idiot and i'm looking forward to the steelers winning the super bowl next year. [ light laughter ] now, we here at "late night" have a team of loyal researchers, statisticians and pollsters. all of whom worked very hard to bring you a little segment we like to call "this week in numbers." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: let's get started. 12 the number of days left until the iowa caucus. also 12, the number of days left until jeb bush walks into an iowa cornfield and disappears. [ laughter ] zero, the number of black nominees at this year's oscars. also zero, the number of blart nominees at this year's oscars.
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[ laughter ] it's a blart snub. 10 million, the number of paid subscribers to apple music. 9 million, the number of them who said, "wait, i'm subscribed to what now?" [ light laughter ] 12, the number of astrological signs. 25 the percent that are earth signs. 20th, today's date which falls under the sign of capricorn, which is an interesting sign, because while capricorns are strong and loyal friends, their independence often makes them seem cold and aloof. 100, the percent you don't want to be in this conversation at a party. [ cheers and applause ] six, the number of abs the singer seal has. [ light laughter ] 600,000, the number of times he's referred to them as "seal team 6." [ laughter and applause ] my stomach killed bin laden. 5 million, the number of people whose jobs could be taken over by robots in the next five years, according to a new report. two, the number of people who
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[ laughter and applause ] 62, the number of ultra rich individuals who hold the same amount of wealth as the bottom half of the global population. three, the number we should all rush them on. [ laughter ] three, as in we go on three or do we go "one, two, three, go" and go on go? 200, the number of times i've had to explain this. come on, guys, if you don't take your heads out of your asses, we're never gonna get our money back. [ laughter and applause ] 269, the number of stores wal-mart says they will close in 2016. two, the number of checkout lanes wal-mart says they will open in 2016. [ light laughter ] that one went good. [ light laughter ] three -- oh just sometimes -- oh, no, i'm behind. the number of months left until the season premier of "game of thrones." [ cheers and applause ] three, the number of months george r. r. martin has left to
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one, the number of advance copies of george r. r. martin's new book that i have right here that if i'm being honest, seems to be a little rushed. chapter 23. and then the dragons blew fire and the people died, and the big war happened. and jaime lannister did something and so did his sister. and then one of them maybe died or had sex, it's unclear which. it wasn't, and the new king was crowned. it's the dwarf. the end. [ laughter ] that was "this week in numbers." we'll be right back with danny devito.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up for the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] so good to see you guys. also we've been so lucky this week. he's back with us again tonight, one of the most respected drummers in the business, josh freese is here. [ cheers and applause ] josh has worked with everyone from milely cyrus to 9 inch nails and has been a member of such iconic bands as sublime with rome and the replacements. thank you so much for being here josh. very happy to have you. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our first guest tonight is a beloved actor, director and producer who throughout his career has earned an emmy and golden globe as well as an academy award nomination. you can currently see him starring as frank reynolds in the comedy series "its always sunny in philadelphia," which
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>> the fountain is ours, frank. [ laughter ] >> uh, not exactly. actually the whole snow pallet thing was off the show. i needed to distract a local environmentalist group while i fracked the mountain. >> what? you fracked the mountain? >> yeah, the banquet, the race, it was all set up. it was just a diversion, it was a distraction because i wanted to get into this hill and suck out its natural resources. >> so all this here was just one big set-up? >> yeah. i hired the hookers so you could rip their tops off. >> that makes sense. >> seth: please welcome the one, the only, danny devito!
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>> seth: so happy to have you here. >> oh, it's so nice to be here. >> seth: frank reynolds -- i feel like that clip does a good job of showing us who frank reynolds is. is he a bad guy or is he misunderstood? >> he's a greedy -- he's misunderstood. >> seth: he's misunderstood. >> no, he's a bad guy. no, he's a good guy. no, he's misunderstood. he just wants everything. >> seth: he wants everything. he's very greedy. >> yeah, he's greedy. >> seth: it's amazing -- we were talking backstage, 11 seasons of this show now. that's fantastic. it's so huge. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. we have wonderful fans. it's really, seriously like what makes the show go, and we do it for them. >> seth: that's great. >> and we do it to have a lot of fun. >> seth: you have a fantastic cast. >> and we are sick individuals. yes, that's right. >> seth: you are very lucky because, to work with one great cast on television would be enough for most actors. you, of course, were in one of the great casts of all time in "taxi." >> seth: a fantastic show.
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a show i love. and now this -- you guys were only on for five years. you started on abc and you moved to nbc. how does a hit show move? like what happened? >> well what happened was the show was doing really well. we started out behind a show called "three's company." >> seth: sure. >> so we had these amazing ratings. that was when there were only three networks. and it was just, like, unbelievable. this crazy, wild, wild recognition in one night. one day you were like -- you're walking around on the street, the next day you couldn't go anywhere because 35% of the audience was watching the show. >> seth: super bowl numbers. that is amazing. >> amazing numbers. okay, now, four years go by and there is a change -- three and a half years go by and there is a change at abc, and they kind of start losing interest in our show. not the audience, the network. bah! i mean, they're snakes, you know what i mean? [ laughter ]
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is like one of those things where the audience forgets what -- you're on tuesday night, then you're on a wednesday and then thursday, blah, blah, blah. anyway, they canceled us after four years, which was terrible, but this great guy, brandon tartikoff, was at nbc, he took us to the fifth year which was important for everybody. >> seth: right. >> because that fifth season you get syndicated. then your -- you have 114 shows. we used to do 22 a year. that's why we had 20, 22, 25 -- math is not my strong suit. [ light laughter ] but with "sunny," we do 10 shows a year. so we are catching up -- we may have passed "taxi" now in the amount of shows. >> seth: do you still get checks for "taxi"? >> oh, yeah. >> seth: that's fantastic. >> oh, yeah. >> seth: that is fantastic. >> thank you guys. [ laughter ] >> seth: i remember -- i
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being aware that you hosted "snl" which of course an nbc show after the show had moved to nbc. >> yeah, that was the year we got canceled. >> seth: right. >> everybody won emmys that year. the show won an emmy. we all won little statuettes, you know, and we got canceled. so lorne michaels, he puts us -- he's says, "you wanna --" i said, "i'm gonna -- can i come on and do the --?" "bring on the cast." so we brought everybody on the show. it was amazing. we had a great time. we all came out. the first words i said, i think, were, "so they canceled 'taxi.'" i might have said "abc canceled 'taxi.'" [ light laughter ] >> seth: got to get it out there. [ laughter ] and you guys -- you're still close as a cast? >> oh, yeah. we see each other all the time. >> seth: that's really wonderful. >> oh, we're great. all the people who are still alive see each other. >> seth: that's nice. >> and we think about the other people. >> seth: there is a very famous story about how you auditioned for "taxi." i wouldn't say to young actors to do this necessarily --
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always felt like you needed to make an impression. and so when i went to do the show -- to audition, i really wanted the part but i wanted to make an impression, so i walked into their office, i had a script in my hand. i took one step, i threw it on the coffee table and i said, "one thing i want to know before we start, who wrote this [ bleep ]?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] you gotta -- you know, you gotta -- >> seth: yeah. they remember you. >> you know, they remember you. from that moment on -- like, it was a louie thing. it was a good louie character. >> seth: louie depalma who i believe "tv guide's" named the best character of all time across all television. just a fantastic character. >> it was a good character. >> seth: did you ever mis-audition making people remember you, did you ever try one that backfired? >> oh, yeah. oh yeah -- you know, this was my thing from the very beginning. if you notice, if you're an actor, and you want to go in -- i usually look and i'm a lot different than most of the people who've auditioned for the
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you know they walk in and they usually go "huh? he's going to audition for this? yeah, okay." there was a director that i really liked who was a very surreal director. his name is richard foreman. >> seth: okay. >> he did "elephant steps" and really surreal plays, and he was really good. i really liked him. he was doing a big show at the public theater and i was going to audition. this was way before "taxi." nobody -- you know, i was just an actor going in for an audition. and i said to the casting director, "look, before i go in, i know this guy's work. he's really -- just open the door and stand back." >> seth: okay. >> and she was really sweet and she goes, "all right, danny." [ light laughter ] and she opened the door, i laid down on the ground, and i rolled into the audition.
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so i roll into the audition. the guy is, like, say, here. i roll in right there and i start my monologue. [ laughter ] and i do the monologue that i learned. and it's done. and i thought i was looking at abraham lincoln. he was going -- stone, nothing. he did not move. >> seth: that didn't go good? >> i didn't get the part. >> seth: no, i'm so sorry. [ laughter ] >> i did not get the part. in fact, i never, ever heard from the guy since. >> seth: wow. he never needed a guy who could roll? >> but i think after i do this show, i'm going to hear from him. >> seth: i think that would be nice. i want you guys to reconnect. >> i hope so. i'd like to. >> seth: you went and saw "hamilton." i've seen "hamilton" on broadway. >> oh, boy. >> seth: an incredible show. >> absolutely fantastic. >> seth: as good as everybody says it is, it still blows you away when you see it. >> it knocks you out. it's just amazing, smart, funny. everything about it just -- everything clicks.
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to go before they opened. i went to a preview on broadway. so i didn't have to get scalped like you like you guys are gonna have to do. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you say so many beautiful things about the show, and everything you said is true. >> i loved it. >> seth: but there -- backstage -- you can go backstage and say hi to the cast afterwards -- >> i did. >> seth: there's a vip poster and they ask people to sign it. and there was just an article in new york magazine about what some of the celebrities have written. what did you -- you obviously thought this play was beautiful and intelligent -- >> i thought it was really terrific and very moving. it was fun and really great. and i -- >> seth: here's the poster -- >> i was one of the first people to sign it. >> seth: so where did you sign it? >> on his balls. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, so went right -- you went right down there, that's you. >> yeah. >> seth: and i might not be able to read it, so what does it say? >> what's it say? >> seth: do you forget what you wrote? >> no, of course. oh, something like, "great
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>> seth: no. >> no. >> seth: no. >> what'd i write? >> seth: you did not write anything that nice. >> what did i write? >> seth: you wrote "[ bleep ] bitches." >> oh "[ bleep ] bitches." [ laughter ] >> seth: why -- [ applause ] i got a very bad handwriting. but i wanted -- beautiful play about -- >> it's term of endearment. [ laughter ] >> seth: who do you use that term of endearment with? >> "hey, [ bleep ] bitches, [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: after everything alexander hamilton did for us, you have to go and write "[ bleep ] bitches" on his balls. [ laughter ] >> those bitches worked hard for it. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's so wonderful having you here. thank you so much. >> thank you. >> seth: congratulations on the show. [ cheers and applause ] wonderful. danny devito, everybody. check out "it's always sunny in philadedphia" wednesday nights on fxx. we'll be right back with whitney cummings.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. our next guest is a very funny actress and comedian who starred in the nbs sitcom "whitney" and co-created the hit show "2 broke girls." her new hour-long standup special, "whitney cummings: i'm your girlfriend," premieres saturday night on hbo. please welcome back to the show, our friend, whitney cummings. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are you? >> you had to bring up my canceled show. >> seth: i'm so sorry. >> how dare -- i just found out it was canceled just now. >> seth: oh, my goodness. well, they canceled "taxi" and it moved to nbc. so maybe -- >> well, he's still getting residual checks, i hear. >> seth: yeah. >> i'm not. >> seth: you do not get -- you never got any. >> no, i pay them every year. >> seth: oh really? this -- so, you obviously -- you filmed this special a while ago, you edited it. it's finally ready. >> yeah.
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>> seth: you're not? >> no. here's the thing, because when you finally put something out, you put your blood, sweat and people's feedback. >> seth: oh, right. >> and i feel like there's this reason -- maybe it's just in comedy -- that you always get like, backhanded compliments. like, has this ever happened to you? when you get on stage, when you do standup and perform, you come "hey, god, you are so brave." [ light laughter ] even mean," you know? or you'll like, come off stage and you think you did so well and someone's like, "weird crowd." [ light laughter ] like, "i thought it was fine. what do you mean?" it's always like, "you really look like you were having fun up there." >> seth: i once had one where i walked off stage at college show, and i walked off and someone said, "it's been a really tough winter." [ laughter ] like, it's been a hard winter and there is not a lot to laugh about. >> what does that have to do with anything? >> seth: i don't know. i've thought about it -- i've only been thinking about it for seven years since. [ light laughter ] >> i had one that really threw me one time. i came upstairs and this guy goes, "great job, dude." [ light laughter ]
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comedy that makes me seem like i'm not a woman anymore? >> seth: there you go, great job dude. >> great job, dude. >> seth: dude, you killed it. >> what? >> seth: i also want to ask about -- talking about weird interactions. you live in los angeles. >> yeah, i do. >> seth: you're an east coaster. >> yes. >> seth: how is it going? how's the transition? >> it's odd. i don't know, people in l.a. all they wanna do is talk about l.a. like, people in hollywood. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, you go to parties and it's like one giant like, audition. like, people are like, "what are you working on?" i just, i don't want to do that. cause then i'm like, "i'm working on this." and they're like, "oh, what else are you working on?" it's like, "okay, that's it." like, nothing is never enough for them? you know? >> seth: right. >> and you know, i'm like, "oh, i just did a special." they're like, "oh, but what are you up to?" i'm like, "i just did a special." you know, so, i refuse to do it. i refuse to like, give in, so whenever someone tries to ask what's going on, people go, "what are you up to?" i'm like, "i'm just really working on myself." >> seth: oh wow. [ light laughter ] >> really trying to find balance. and they -- it drives them nuts. >> seth: that is not an answer people want. >> because they can't do -- they can't do business, you know. >> seth: no. >> so i just, i just block them from it. >> seth: that's a very, very good block. well done. >> yeah, thank you. >> seth: there is a lot of schmoozing in l.a. >> i can't do it.
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>> no i can't do it. i can't smalltalk. i don't do smalltalk. i gotta go straight to the big talk. people are like, "how are you?" i'm like, "well, the lexapro is really kicking in. [ light laughter ] turns out wellbutrin, not such a good match for me. and i'm pretty sure the bump was just an ingrown hair, so we're good." [ light laughter ] >> seth: perfect. we -- i know we've had -- i'm jealous of you because we share a best friend. >> okay. >> seth: neal brennan. >> so, we have a best friend, neal brennan. listen to his freaking podcast. >> seth: yes, "the champs." >> please. it gives him something to do. okay, so we love neal. i'm his west coast best friend. >> seth: yeah. >> you're his east coast best friend. >> seth: but he lives on the west coast now, so i'm jealous. >> yeah, so he's my best friend. >> seth: yeah. i barely see him anymore. >> no. >> seth: you get him full-time. how's he doing? how are you guys, how's your friendship? >> he's doing well. okay, so neal is a friend of ours, who we have both decided that we're going to be in comedy but also like, try to get healthy, like, get better. like, we're going to therapy. >> seth: great. >> we went on like a trip to miraval and did color therapy. >> seth: oh my goodness. >> and like, hanging from yoga doing ropes and all this stuff. but i'm worried that comedians can't be funny and messed up.
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mentally, the less funnier i am. >> seth: oh, you're leaving your >> like, look, i'm bombing. no one's laughing. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> so it's, my theory -- my because the more healthy you get, the more desperate you get to make people laugh. you guys aren't laughing at me that's a problem. [ light laughter ] >> this is going to ruin my >> seth: you have another friend about. which is, you have a new dog. >> i have a new dog. >> seth: and your dog is -- did you know you were getting a dog this size? what happened? >> okay, i see on instagram that this guy has a dog, that was thrown out of a car. >> seth: okay. >> and it was out in carson. i was like, i'll just go get it and i'll find it a home. and then i fell in love with him. i thought he was a six-month-old pit bull. i take him to the vet and they say he's a two-month-old great dane. so, i've got -- [ audience aws ] >> seth: that is massive. >> i've got this donkey growing in my house. [ light laughter ] and his balls are enormous. >> seth: oh, we can see his balls. those are like -- [ light laughter ] and i will -- for the photo, i feel like he was like, let me
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want you to get the full balls. >> they drag on the ground. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, they come on with like dirt, and i had to -- one time, whenever -- this is -- we did not prepare for this, but whenever he has diarrhea, i have to wrap them in saran wrap. [ light laughter ] >> seth: his balls? >> because his poop hits his balls. >> seth: oh my god. that happens enough that you a way of going about it? [ light laughter ] change his diet. >> i was like, should i like, put like a condom on it? like i wasn't sure what to do, and i finally decide to saran wrap it. >> seth: gotcha. by the way, both of those might be wrong. [ light laughter ] i do want to compare our dogs. how much does your weigh right now? >> mine is about 110 pounds. >> seth: okay, mine is still rocking 7. [ light laughter ] no balls -- no balls on my little girl and she has a bow tie. >> oh what a sweetie. maybe she should -- well mine still has his balls, so -- >> seth: no, no. i have no interest in that. i have no interest in them reproducing. >> what's her name? >> seth: frisbee. >> frisbee! >> seth: yeah. >> how sweet is that? has it brought you and your wife together? >> seth: yeah, very much so. >> oh, that's so cool.
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i think frisbee's been, like when we have fights, frisbee kind of mediates. >> always, and i find that i tend to fight with boyfriends through my dogs and i'm like, a walk, but i guess if you just want to be on your phone the whole time --" like, i always use the dog as a pawn. of arguments where i'm like, "oh, the dog wants to go apple picking?" [ light laughter ] really? how has the dog made this clear to you? >> yeah. i just feel like frisbee really weekends. >> seth: what? you -- >> great segue way! >> seth: thank you. [ laughter ] no, you're gonna love this segue way. >> that is a pro. >> seth: that is a pro. >> that is a 100% the most pro thing i've ever seen. >> seth: really? [ talking over each other ] >> that is unbelievable. >> seth: cause right now, they don't even -- they're like, well, what are you going to ask? >> you don't even know how good this segue way is. >> seth: let's see how good. speaking of reproduction, you just froze your eggs. >> yes, i did. [ laughter and applause ] that is a pro! i did. i just froze my eggs, which i love looking at the reaction of people when i say that. >> seth: sure. >> because the guys immediately
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did something wrong in general. which, do you know, i feel like guys don't know what -- do you know what egg freezing is? >> seth: i mean, i know why you do it. >> but you don't know the process. >> seth: right, it's like you do it on hot days, you do it to bring your body temperature down. >> cold winters, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: so this is just -- >> you do it so that like, i don't want to have kids right now, which also means no one wants to have kids with me right now, either. it's consensual. both of us have agreed, me and all the men in the world. so, i've just postponed it, just so that i have time. 'cause i haven't met -- there's too much pressure. as a woman, there's so much pressure on you. i feel like i've been dating the wrong guys. i feel like i'm in traffic and i'm like, you guys, let's move, i'm rotting from the inside. [ light laughter ] like, i'm just constantly -- and then ever since i've frozen my eggs, it's like i'm chilling, i'm cool. >> seth: got it. >> my agent call me, they're like, where's that script? i'm like, "i don't know, i am so high right now." [ light laughter ] call sarah silverman to handle it. i'm not available. like, i'm chillin. it's great. but i do find that guys have no idea what it is. >> seth: yes. >> i was doing a gig. i had to cancel it because i was
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and i came in the next day and the club owner came up to me and he's like, "are you okay? i heard you had your ovaries removed." >> seth: oh no. [ light laughter ] >> i was like, no, we gotta talk about this. so i end up talking al lot about it on my special. >> seth: got it. >> and try to take the shame off of it. >> seth: and are guys excited when they hear it? >> no, no, guys think it's weird. i thought, that it'd be really cool, like an aphrodisiac. that guys would think that i'm like the cool girl that doesn't want to get pregnant right now. but they're not into it. you can't be hooking up with a guy and he's like, "hey, do you have a condom?" i'm like, "don't worry, boo. my stuff is on ice down by the airport." [ light laughter ] it's not a sexy bedroom -- >> seth: you are -- you date a fair amount, yes? >> i do. >> seth: how is that going? >> it's going okay. i've notice though, that there is this thing happening. where guys -- do you remember like "the game," there was that book called "the game"? >> seth: yeah. >> and there's the "pick up artist." >> seth: "the pick up artist." >> yes, exactly. so, guys are mean now. i feel like there's this residual effect. like, every time i go out, guys are weirdly -- 'cause guys think they have to be mean to you, to make you like them. >> seth: yes. >> i was at this bar and this guy's like, "you're wearing jeans, you're wearing jeans to a bar?" i was like, what is this, a "yo
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and what i, you guys, here's the problem with being mean to girls to make you like them, is that to us as we already are to ourselves. like, there is nothing you can say about me that i haven't already thought of. >> seth: right? [ light laughter ] >> like, this guy came up to me, he's like, "you're so pale." i was like, i'll do you one better. "i also look older than i am, i have cellulite on my butt and i'm gonna die alone, yo mama." [ laughter and applause ] you don't wanna do this. >> seth: yeah. >> i'm going to win this. >> seth: you are the winner. >> yeah. neal might be meaner to me than i am to him. our friend neal. >> seth: but that's why we keep >> yes. >> seth: thank you so much for being back on the show. >> i love you, seth. time. special. check out, "whitney cummings: i'm your girlfriend" this saturday night on hbo. "late night." [ cheers and applause ] we brought you here today to get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. bit of like an audi. so, this car
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siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. indulgence... no longer comes at a price. well, actually it does... but it's just $9.99 applebee's grill & bar favorites made a little better for you. featuring new dishes loaded with flavor, and all under 650 calories. all the hard work... time in the service... community college... it matters. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree.
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sunday funday never gets old, which is why they live hard [crying baby] -ish. with henry's hard soda, an adult beverage that helps them go buck mild. henry's hard soda.
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here in the city, parking is hard to find. seems like everyone drives. and those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. ah, perfect. valet parking. x evening, sir. hello! here's the keys. and, uh, go easy on my ride, mate. hm, wouldn't mind some of that beef wellington... to see how much you could save on car insurance, go to geico.com. zah! (car alarm sounds)
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. so as i mentioned earlier tonight, my wife and i have a baby on the way. and as i take stock of my life, i realize that i am now officially a fully matured adult. i'm married, i have a dog, i have a car, a mortgage, we're expecting. but you know all of this doesn't mean that i don't know how to be cool. [ light laughter ]
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mean that i can't be ice cold, baby. for me, being cool is less about being up on the latest hip trends. no way, jose. being cool is about taking the sunroof down on my buick enclave, blasting steely dan's greatest hits on my cd player as i cruise down the florida coast looking for a beachside bar and grill that will serve a cheeseburger in paradise. i got six different credit cards and one of them is a visa signature marriot rewards premier card so yeah, ladies, i'm taken. [ light laughter ] speaking of taken, when i take my wife out to dinner for a nice steak down at ruth's chris, i put on my tight black t-shirt, my pinstriped suit, distressed jeans, no socks and tassel loafers. oh, and another thing, when i open the restaurant door for my wife, i touch the small of her back as she walks past me.
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[ laughter ] i love nothing more than hanging with my remax agent brian on my weather proof back deck as we throw back a few tecates. [ laughter ] i've spent hundreds of hours of my life talking to best buy employees about how i can optimize the speaker system in my man cave. i don't fly economy, bro. i fly economy plus. oh, yeah, i like to party, you know what i mean? go out to my garage, smoke a quarter of a joint, fall asleep watching "hardball." golf channel. [ light laughter ] i want to get tan, like super tan, to the point where people look at me and say, "that guy looks gross and his hair looks fake." that is my goal. that is my dream.
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i love orlando. [ light laughter ] when it comes to furniture, all i got to say is leather. white leather. top three all-time babes, here you go -- one, rene russo, deuce, goldie hawn, three, condi rice. [ laughter ] hey, while we got this over the shoulder graphic going how about we show a video of a "sandals" commercial. oh, nice. now show the part with the swim-up bar. ooh, that looks like a great time. i'm going to book that vacay right now on my travelocity app. booked. oh, i almost forgot. my biggest turn on, the missionary position. or as i call it, the mish posish. [ laughter ] picture it. all right, i think i proved i'm a cool guy. we'll be right back with music from the front bottoms.
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but not too hard- you've got stuff to do tomorrow. henry's hard soda. live hard...-ish. when laquinta.com sends craig wilson a ready for you alert the second his room is ready, ya know what he becomes? great proposal! let's talk more over golf. great. how about over tennis? even better. a game changer! the ready for you alert, only at lq.com. at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. refueling! be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ding! hot pockets! (music) woman: i' ll never remember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. (music' s drums intensify) but days like this, i' ll never forget. get out there,
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be unstoppable. this is my fight song take back my life song (music) is your head so congested it's ready to explode? you may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec -d to powerfully clear your blocked nose and relieve your other allergy symptoms. so, you can breathe easier all day. zyrtec -d. at the pharmacy counter. hmmm... apple pie with only fruits nuts and spices. this makes the rest of my life feel very complicated. la
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: tonight's musical guest are a rock and roll band from new jersey who are making their network television debut. [ cheers ] performing their song "west virginia", which was hand-picked by their fans for this performance, please welcome to the show the front bottoms. [ cheers and applause ] is it raining where you are
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but nothing ever hurt so bad as the no that you said back but ain't that the truth man those are just facts the farther you go from where you start the harder it is to get back love of my life gone forever love of my life gone for good >> this is for all my friends in west virginia. the good stuff comes the good stuff goes the good stuff seems so hard to hold hope it slides
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so the taste of it may linger right now i'm just a volcano on the brink of eruption right now i'm just a psycho hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction love of my life gone forever love of my life gone for good i wish i may i wish i might one day live life like a person in paradise right now i'm just a volcano
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i'm just a psycho self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction ride or die brothers for life coldest nights ride or die brothers for life darkest days coldest nights there aint no doctor on earth there ain't no lord up above who knows a strong enough medicine or a lifesaving love like i said i thought i was focused i thought i had it figured out how to organize my words good before they fall right out my mouth
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i was walking was so wrong and i just need a little help here man to find the path i should be on love of my life gone forever love of my life gone for good love of my life gone forever get her back good lord you know i wish i could [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: bravo! the front bottoms, everyone! the album "back on top" is out now. catch them playing coachella later this spring. we'll be right back.
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